The Jesus Lizard

(Orator domus evangelicus)

On October 25, 2023, the Jesus Lizard was plucked from obscurity to put an end to that year’s Great Congressional Stalemate, taking charge of a moribund governmental chamber whose members could barely figure out how to change a light bulb. His ascendancy was controversial at best, for the Jesus Lizard was hardly a typical Orator domus, but rather a charter member—in fact, a leader—of the notorious MAGA* death cult. His polite, soft-spoken demeanor, devout religious convictions and extensive knowledge of constitutional law contrasted deeply with the shrillness and bombast of his compatriots in that movement, but his extremist resolve made him, if anything, even more frightening—a stealth homophobe, and a kinder, gentler election denier.

The Jesus Lizard loves Jesus, obviously. And his country. And Law & Order. And he especially loves pleasing his Dear Leader, the Orange Julius Caesar (q.v.) And that is why, on July 3, 2025, he made sure that the House of Representatives (barely) passed the Caesar’s “Big, Beautiful Bill” which had been the subject of intense controversy for months. Afterwards, he made a rousing speech celebrating the “most important vote that any of us take in our lifetimes,” ushering in a “new golden age” and denigrating his colleagues across the aisle by contrasting their “performance” with his “results.” Never mind that the bill itself was extremely unpopular, required several iterations of amendments to pass both the House and the Senate, and will create, according to several think tanks, the “largest upward transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich in American history.” What’s done is done—for now. The illustration above depicts the Lizard’s moment of triumph, basking in the praise and fealty of his staunch admirers. It was the arguably the greatest sale of his career, and should that career ever come to an end, a grand and glorious future undoubtedly awaits him at the pre-owned car dealership of his choice.

*Murdering All the Greatness of America